On Zones and Deadpan Comedians

On the FriendZone. Okay, I gotta say that I just don't understand the concept of the friendzone. Actually, scratch that, I understand the concept, I just don't agree with it. My understanding is that people are absolutely dead-set against dating friends because on the chance that it doesn't work, the friendship is broken. I can understand that fear, I can even sympathize with it, but at the same time its such a pessimistic view.

Here's the part where I start uncomprehending. If the above is true, does that mean we're wholly expected to date people we don't know? Because that's where I have some serious issues. I can't fathom walking up to a girl I just met a half hour ago and asking her out on a date. Why? Because frankly, I'm just not interested. Yes, she might be hot, but let's face it, you can be hot and still be mind-numbingly dull or a flake, the list goes on. So I want to know her first, I want to know that something between us would even have a chance before going through all the turmoil. That makes sense, doesn' t it? But by the time you set that all up, she then considers you a friend and your right back at square one.

Let me put it another way. When you see a dying man on the street, do you wait for him to die and then brush off your hands and say "well, at least I didn't know him," or do you try and help the guy and give him the best chance to live BEFORE he dies? Of course you do the latter. When I go in for that sort of thing, I don't look at it like I want to cover my ass when the whole thing blows up. I want to give it the most chance to succeed, so I pick people who seem compatible. If it still blows up, yeah that sucks, but at least I knew it had a chance.

That's why I'll never understand the FriendZone. It's a policy built upon the assumption of failure.

On Deadpan Comedians. So I found I needed a lot of cheering up this weekend and something that always does the job is good standup comedy. I've always been one to say that comedians (well the good ones) have got to be some of the most intelligent people on the planet in order to cater to such a huge demographic successfully. I also have a huge amount of respect for anyone who dedicates themselves to putting smiles on the faces of others. They've always inspired me to do the same, albeit with uneven success.

So luckily, it just so happened that I caught a one hour Demetri Martin special on the Comedy Channel. You may know him as one of the correspondents on the Daily Show and and absolute genius (no really, he was in his final year of Law at Yale University before he quit to do comedy). He's an absolute genius of deadpan comedy, very similar to the late Mitch Hedberg (also hilarious) and his routine put a huge smile on my face when I really needed it. Here's just a smattering of some of his best one-liners.

I think they named oranges before they named carrots. "What's that?" "It's orange... oranges." "Okay, what about that?" .... "Oh sh*t... long pointies?"

How fast does a zebra need to run before it looks grey?

If you can't tell the difference between a spoon and a ladle... then you're fat!

Now I met many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no chocohol! We got an epidemic people, people who love chocolate and don't understand the rules of word endings.

I went whale watching once, it was very similar, to watching people on a boat get disappointed!

I mobile home with a flat tire, is a home!

You ever think its funny how finger puppets is okay, as a noun?

Hiking is just walking where its okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by mistake.

Hot potato is a very different game when you're starving. Then its more like my potato! Burn my fingertips but I don't give a damn, its free food.

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just... yell out letters!