This is just a repost from before... >_<
It's kind of a funny thing. If you know me, you know I'm someone who takes things easy. I'm very laid back and tend to go with the flow. I acknowledge a certain chaos in life, in fact I cherish it, because it makes life interesting and unpredictable. In fact, I think I tend to stir up a little chaos now and then (okay, probably a little more than "now and then") just for shits and giggles.
Except now I realize this might not be the case.
The more I think about it, the more I think I have a pathalogical need for control and parity. Control, not so much in the sense of controlling other people, mind you. I'm very much a believer in people making decisions for themsleves, though I'm perfectly willing to help them make those decisions if they ask for it. And I don't feel a particular need to control a situation either. It's more like, I have to have some sense, no, I have to know that I'm in control of myself, because I assume everyone else is in complete control of themselves. To not be in control is to be something "less" than them.
Take, for example, my incessent ragging on other people. I've never actually been able to explain why I do that. Seriously, it's like an automated response, I have to actually try very hard not to do it. And it has nothing to do with disrespecting people. In fact I find the people I make fun of the most are the people I hold in the highest light. So why? I think it's very simple. It's to keep them distanced. It's to keep me on level ground with them. If someone confronts me about it, I shrug it off and laugh again. They're trying to break down a wall, but I have a very good construction company. And right there, I believe, is my problem with love.
Love is a powerful force. A mere encounter with someone you love can consume your mind for days. Every little thing they say to you is meticulously picked apart by your brain even hours after they've forgotten they said it. You spend hours and hours doing something inane to put a smile on their face for 10 seconds... and it's worth it! In short, love is a force that takes away your control. It is chaos. Beautiful, sweet, heart-aching chaos. And only recently have I realized, I am afraid of it.
If there's one thing people have told me, it's that I wait way too long to tell them what I'm feeling. I was always convinced it was because I have a complete inability to date someone I don't know personally (which, as I'm told, is too late). Now I realize this is only half true. Loving someone means putting yourself into their hands. They have won you over. Their actions dictate your responses (involuntary though they may be). You are in their pocket, and incredibly, 95% of your body tells you that's exactly where you want to be. But there's no parity here. She might (and in my experience, probably) feels nothing for you. It's a leap out into a black canyon, aiming for a 5x5 foot ledge you can't see. I don't know if you've seen a real canyon before; it's a scary fucking thing. I've plummetted to my death a few times already (that is an impossible sentence - oh look another joke). So what do I do? Rather than exposing my "weakness," and saying anything at all, I use that time to convince myself the feeling isn't real. That it's a phase. It'll go away. So I bury it, deep underground. And life returns to normal. But at least I have my control. At least I have my parity.
Maybe love isn't so bad. Even in the times it has no chance.